Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
