we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
