Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
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is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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