I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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