she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Shame is for Republicans.
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