i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
