he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
