i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
