Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
