Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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