When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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