I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
