The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Houston, we have a blender
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
