I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
