Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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