Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
