I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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