so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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