he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
