Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
