Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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