i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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