I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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