I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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