my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
