you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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