if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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