She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
