there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
