So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
