I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
