I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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