know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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