you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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