Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
