During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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