I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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