I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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