i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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