So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
