Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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