We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
