i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
