You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
