She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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