Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
