im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
