I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
