i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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