I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
