Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
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I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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