he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
