i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
