How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
