Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
