I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
