i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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